People Can Change
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I’ve written a few posts about how couples can stop fighting about money (here and here) . I definitely speak from personal experience on this matter. When I got involved with DF, he was a bit of a financial mess. In fact, a few times I almost broke up with him early in the relationship because I didn’t like some of the money decisions I was seeing him make. But, he was sweet so I stayed. And I didn’t really find out about the extent of the money issues until about a year in, when it became clear that the reason he was living paycheck to paycheck was because of a whole giant mound of credit card debt he had acquired during college.
After we finally began to be completely open about our finances, things made a little more sense. I was able to somewhat understand how he had gotten into debt in the first place. But we still had a lot of problems. As far as I could see, he was still not being responsible about money. We both had a lot of debt (mine was all student loans, his was those pesky credit cards I mentioned above). And yet, he continued to charge things on his credit card- and things that I completely disapproved of like fast food and cigarettes.
We used to fight about money, almost on a daily basis. If our lives had not been so entangled at that point, we almost 100% definitely would have broken up. He was so mired in the cycle of using credit cards and having debt, it almost seemed like he had decided that there was no way out and that it was normal and that he would just keep right on doing it. And I was mad that he hadn’t told me about all of the credit cards earlier, and I found it unconscionable that an educated person would behave the way he did with money and not understand why it was wrong.
After a while, it became clear that things HAD to change or else we would break up, common ties and sweetness notwithstanding. I realized that the approach I had been taking- blame and recrimination and trying to control the money situation- was probably not the most conducive to achieving change and compromise. So, for the first time, I really listened to what he was saying.
He had gotten really in debt in college when he was getting no help from anyone and trying to go to school full time. He’d paid a lot of it off, but had begun to feel like he’d never ever be able to afford anything and so he used the remaining credit cards so he could have a life, and then just continued paying the minimums every month. He knew it wasn’t right, but he had been in the cycle for so long (like 6 years) that it just seemed like a way of life. Plus, he had gotten almost no feedback and guidance from his parents, so he didn’t really have the faintest idea where to begin to fix the problems. The trouble was compounded by the fact that I had been telling him what he could and couldn’t spend money on, and so he felt resentful and was continuing to spend it as he wanted.
We decided to keep our money together, instead of separate, so we would be accountable to each other. We laid out a plan and a budget. I asked his opinion and we made decisions together.
Now, he is wonderful. He’s quit the cigs and hasn’t taken money out of our bank account for ANY silly purchases (lunches out, fast food, etc.) since May when we started keeping the money together. Two of his four credit cards have been paid off, and we put the rest on 0% balance transfer cards and have a plan to pay them off within a year. He checks his credit report all the time, and is so proud of the progress that he is making that it has inspired him. He now sees that it can be done and that life will be so much better without half his paycheck being taken up by monthly credit card bills. We save up for things we want now, and basically buy almost nothing because we want to get all of our debt paid off.
So, I’m not telling you this to get you to stay in bad relationships with people who are bad about money. I’m just sharing my story so that you realize that it is possible for people to change. Some people are bad about money because they don’t care or because they just want to spend, spend spend. Those people are unlikely to rectify the error of their ways. But, some just have never been taught and got trapped in a bad situation in the first place. And, sometimes money problems can be the symptom of deeper problems that need to be resolved. So, if you have money problems in your marriage and relationship, try open communication and listening. If approached right, and if the bond is strong enough between you, and if the person you love is a reasonable and smart person, sometimes things really can change.
