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My DH and I fought about money for a long time.  Now that we are keeping our money together, things are much better.  This won’t solve the problem for everyone, of course.  Sometimes savers are married to spenders, or one spouse has a completely different idea about budgeting than the other.  But, if you need to get your spouse or significant other to change their financial habits, because it is legitimately causing problems, here are 10 steps to talking to them and getting them to actually change their behavior.  

1. Don’t patronize

The quickest way to put someone on the defensive is to make them feel like they are stupid or silly or did something wrong or that you are smarter.  You may be a budget guru with no debt and a killer savings strategy, while your husband or wife may be financially clueless and unaware of even the idea of compound interest.  But, if you go into the conversation thinking that you are smart and correct and that they need to be “taught” about how to budget, or “told” that their spending is out of control, you will not get very far.

They may already know that they have a problem, and being patronizing about it will make them feel worse and more discouraged.  And, even if they don’t know that their spending or credit card use is wrong, talking down to them like a naughty child is not going to make them want to work with you or change their ways.  

2. Don’t blame

This goes along the same lines as #1.  Even if your husband or wife is responsible for the credit card debt you two are now going to have to struggle to pay down, don’t come into the situation and blame them.  You two presumably are a team, and even the responsible person has to take some responsibility for the bad financial behavior.  Saver: were you not paying attention as the spending was happening?  Did you create an environment where the spender felt the need to hide purchases so you didn’t know the debt was piling up?  Did you neglect your partner’s need for emotional companionship so they spent money to make themselves feel better?  Did you make the budget so unreasonable that your spouse felt hemmed in and rebelled?  There are all kinds of ways that the responsible spouse may have contributed to the over spending, so don’t blame.   

Even if you are completely innocent, or your spouse came into the marriage with bad debts and bad habits, blaming is not going to make them want to work with you, set a budget, or change their approach to money management.  

3. Share the responsibility and your own weaknesses

If this conversation is primarily going to be about how one spouse consistently is over budget or went crazy with the credit cards or has to stop his $1000 a month Star Wars collection habit, that person who has to change is liable to feel resentful and annoyed if they are the only one who has to make sacrifices.  They are also likely to feel defensive if they are the only one who is seen as financially irresponsible.

So, when you are having the big money conversation, share some of your own weaknesses.  Even if they are really minor little things, like overspending on Tim Hortons Coffee, make sure the other person knows that you are admitting that you aren’t financially perfect and that you are also going to work on making changes to help your joint financial picture. 

4. Have Concrete Evidence of the Problem(s)

This is where it can get a little tricky, because you don’t want to seem like you are blaming or patronizing the other person when you do this.  But, if you don’t have solid and clear proof that the financially destructive behavior is causing a problem, the other person may just chalk it up to you being too careful with money (especially if you have had chronic spender/saver fights in the relationship).  

It helps to really have a strong backlog of information to support your point that there is trouble abrew in the bank accounts.  If your spouse is charging up the cards, use one of those online calculators to demonstrate that if you two pay only the minimums on the cards, it will take you X number of years (20 or 30 or something ridiculous like that) to pay off the cards.  If your spouse is spending the cash you feel needs to be diverted to retirement savings, have information showing the amount you will need to retire and the amount you’ll have to put away each month if you start saving at 20 or 30 or 40.  

You get the point- have documentation.  But present it in such a way that is not offensive.  Don’t say “look at what you’re doing!”  Instead, come at it with the idea of “lets look at this together so we can both get a better understanding of our current and future financial picture”

5. Talk About Common Goals

It is a lot easier to demonstrate the benefits of, and reasons for, the sacrifice if you both agree that you are working towards something.  If your spouse feels like he or she is constantly making sacrifices, but doesn’t have a clear desire to sacrifice for something, then it gets tiring really fast.  However, if you both know that you are brown bagging lunches and skipping out on the mall in order to buy a house in 1 year, and you both want that; then you are fighting for a common cause instead of fighting each other.  

6. Talk about how to solve the problems & steps you will BOTH take

This isn’t a meeting where you tell your spendthrift spouse what to do - at least not if you want it to be successful.  You have to show that you are also towing the line and walking the walk.  If you guys are both willing to make sacrifices, talk about the things you are both giving up or not doing.  Make plans together for where and when to cut the budget to meet the common goals that you decided on together.

7. Listen to and value their input

Your less-financially-responsible spouse may have some idea’s for cutting the budget that you hadn’t considered.  Or, they may have some area’s where they are more willing to give up their spending in order to continue to keep a little extra for something they really value.  If you don’t go into the discussion with a blanket idea of what must happen, then you guys might find a middle ground that makes you both happy, that you can both actually live with for the long term (or at least long enough to accomplish your financial goals).  

8. Create a plan together and compromise 

This goes along with number 7.  If your spouse is willing to give up lunches and dinners out so that they can keep their weekly manicure and pedicure, or weekly football tickets, then compromise even if you think XY or Z is a waste of money (as long as it isn’t a budget killer).  Neither person should feel like they never get to buy or do what they want, because thats a recipe for resentment and budget breaking.  Instead, you should both feel like you are sacrificing a little to gain a lot.  If you both create a plan that will allow you to achieve your goals without feeling too deprived, then you are both a lot more likely to stick to the plan.  

9. Have accountability measures for both of you

What happens if one of you goes over budget?  Set a plan in place, to make you both accountable.  Perhaps, if one of you just can’t stop spending on the credit cards, then he or she should freeze the cards or leave them at home and work on a cash-only system.  In general, one of the partners can’t just blow the budget every month and expect this to be OK.  There has to be a clear plan in place, and there also has to be a clear response if one of you deviates from the plan and costs both of you the opportunity to realize your financial dreams.  A few pennies here and there isn’t something to fight or quibble over, but the consequences of a big budget breach are something you should both agree on at the budget meeting.  Otherwise, resentment and financial infidelity can grow into a much bigger problem. 

Accountability is one of the big reasons I believe joint accounts are best for couples.  If you both have your name on the money, it is a little harder to just spend with abandon because it drives home the point that the money isn’t yours its ours.  Some people don’t like this lack of freedom, but if you have a spouse who just can’t control their spending, then perhaps this diminished amount of freedom will help to solve the problem.

10. Meet to reevaluate

Set up a time that works for you both, to evaluate your spending and progress.  My DF and I talk every other Friday, before the paycheck gets directly deposited into our account, to make sure we are on the same page about our budgeted spending.  You and your significant other can do what works for you, but if you have a time set out each month or as often as necessary, then perhaps you will both feel more accountable.  Plus, you will have a set time to talk about money problems, so perhaps this will reduce tiffs throughout the week if you see your spouse spending on something you might not be comfortable with.